The Nine Lives Series - The Caregiver

The Caregiver: Love Does Not Require You to Become the System That Keeps Everyone Else Functioning

By Dana L. Cox | Executive Coach, TEDx Speaker, Author

You finally sit down. Someone asks you for one more thing. A favor. A ride. Help with something they can’t figure out. Before you even think about it, the word comes out.

Of course.

You hear yourself say it. And for the first time, you notice something you hadn’t noticed before. You didn’t decide. You answered automatically.

You tell yourself what you always tell yourself. They need me. It’s not a big deal. This is what people who love each other do.

It feels like love. It is also a reflex she has been practicing for so long she stopped noticing it was a choice.

Here is what is actually happening.

She has become the central support system for everyone around her. Not just emotionally. Practically. Logistically. Financially. Mentally. She remembers everything. Appointments. Medication schedules. Who needs to be checked on. Who is struggling. Who needs help. What is falling through the cracks.

And the dangerous part is this. Everyone experiences her reliability as love. So the more dependable she becomes, the more responsibility quietly migrates toward her. Until one day she realizes something uncomfortable. She is the person holding the entire system together. And no one has noticed what it is costing her.

Dependable women slowly become invisible infrastructure in everyone else’s life. And infrastructure is only noticed when it breaks.

The Lie That Keeps Her Saying Of Course

The lie is this. If you love people, you should be the one who carries the weight. Women are praised for being dependable. Strong. Selfless. The one everyone can count on. But that praise hides something.

When a woman is praised for her reliability, the people around her learn something. They learn they do not have to figure it out themselves. Not out of malice. Out of habit. Because she has always been there. Because she has always said of course. Because the system has never had to function without her. And so the load keeps growing. Not because anyone decided to give it to her. Because she never put it down.

What I Tell Her When She Is Sitting Across From Me

Love does not require you to become the system that keeps everyone else functioning. Caring for people is not the same thing as carrying people. One is an act of love. The other is a slow disappearance.

And she is allowed to put down the things that were never hers to carry permanently. She is allowed to stop holding together systems that would collapse if she stepped away. Because that collapse tells the truth about the system. Not about her. About everyone who let her carry it alone.

There is a sentence I said on a TEDx stage that I had spent most of my life avoiding.

If it landed for you here, it will land harder there.

Watch: I Love Them All, But I Love Me More → youtu.be/7X5RlQWzm7I

About the Author

Dana L. Cox is an executive coach, TEDx speaker, and author of From Burnout to Badass. She is the founder of FIX Coaching & Consulting and creator of the Positioned to Paid™ framework, which helps high-achieving women move from invisible to unstoppable in their careers and lives. Learn more at danalcox.com.