The Nine Lives Series - The Friend

The Friend: A Friendship That Only Works When One Woman Is Doing the Holding Is Not a Friendship

By Dana L. Cox | Executive Coach, TEDx Speaker, Author

You are talking to a friend. They are telling you about something that happened. A problem. A frustration. Something that has been weighing on them. You listen. You ask questions. You offer perspective. You do what you always do.

When there is finally a pause, you say something about your own life. Something that happened. Something that has been hard. They nod. Then they say, “Anyway…” And the conversation moves back to them. You hear yourself say, “That makes sense.”

You tell yourself what you always tell yourself.

She’s going through a lot right now. This isn’t the right time. I’m fine.

It feels like patience. It is also a pattern she has been accepting for so long she stopped recognizing it as one.

Here is what is actually happening.

She became the emotional anchor in the friendship. The one people call when something falls apart. The one who listens. Advises. Shows up. Checks in. Remembers what matters. She holds space for everyone else. And because she is good at it, people trust her with everything. But something subtle happened over time. The friendship became one-directional. She is the one who shows up. She is the one who listens. She is the one who holds the weight. And slowly she stopped noticing that no one was doing that for her anymore. She knows everything about her friends’ lives. They do not know much about hers.

The Lie That Keeps Her Listening

The lie is that a good friend should always be there. Women are praised for loyalty. For being the one who never disappears. For showing up no matter what. But loyalty without reciprocity slowly becomes something else. It becomes emotional labor that never ends. And because she cares about the friendship, she tells herself the same thing she tells herself in every other role.

It’s not a big deal.

But it is. Because this was supposed to be the one place where none of that was required. Friendship was supposed to be chosen. Mutual. A place of relief, not another form of labor. And when even the chosen relationships start to feel like work, something important has been lost.

What I Tell Her When She Is Sitting Across From Me

Friendship is powerful. Chosen relationships matter deeply. But friendship is not supposed to require one person to carry the emotional weight of everyone else. She is allowed to need something back. She is allowed to notice when the friendship is not mutual and name it without guilt. She is allowed to stop being the one who holds everything together in a relationship that was supposed to hold her too.

A friendship that only works when one woman is doing the holding is not a friendship. It is a role. And she has been living enough of those already.

This is the last of the nine lives. Nine roles. Nine different ways a woman can show up for everyone around her while quietly disappearing from herself. The professional. The leader. The wife. The mother. The daughter. The sister. The caregiver. The community member. The friend.

None of these roles are wrong. The weight shows up when a woman is living all nine at the same time and no one, including herself, has stopped to ask what it is costing her.

She is not tired because she is weak. She is tired because she has been strong in every direction except the one that leads back to herself. That direction still exists. And it begins with the same question it always does.

What are you willing to stop carrying?

Before you go, I want to leave you with one more thing.

Not a framework. Not a next step. Nine minutes of something I said out loud that I had carried quietly for most of my adult life.

If this series landed for you, this talk is for you.

Watch: I Love Them All, But I Love Me More → youtu.be/7X5RlQWzm7I

About the Author

Dana L. Cox is an executive coach, TEDx speaker, and author of From Burnout to Badass. She is the founder of FIX Coaching & Consulting and creator of the Positioned to Paid™ framework, which helps high-achieving women move from invisible to unstoppable in their careers and lives. Learn more at danalcox.com.